Relationship Connection: My wife’s past bothers me

February 13, 2018 Utah Channel 3

Question

My question is why does my wife’s past bother me when I’m having anxiety?

My wife and I began dating when we were teenagers and then I left on an LDS mission a few years later. When I left, our plan was to wait for each other and get married when I got back.

My wife ended up breaking up with me the last two months of my mission. When I got back I found out from other people that my wife had been dating around the entire two years, and was even sleeping with other people (we never had sex for all the years we dated). This was painful to me and she admitted things had happened while I was gone.

We ended up dating again and eventually got married. I realized the past was the past.

Currently, I deal with some post-traumatic stress disorder from past life-threatening medical issues. This PTSD can randomly trigger additional anxiety. I’ve realized that when I’m feeling anxious, my wife’s past really bothers me. I’m happily married, we have a 3-year-old, and I have forgiven her for her past.

But I don’t know why her past becomes an issue when I’m feeling anxious. I’m trying to be real with myself.

I wonder if it’s because maybe I suffered some sort of trauma when I found out after my mission that her waiting for me was all a lie? Or, that I feel insecure not knowing any details of her past (as she has never given me any details as she doesn’t want to talk about it) and it’s makes me feel like there are “secrets” about her that I still don’t know.

Part of my PTSD is that sometimes I feel like I don’t have long to live and that something bad may happen (due to my medical past). This has gotten me to wonder if my wife would be with another man if something were to happen to me. This might have something to do where it subconsciously triggers past feelings when she’s been with other guys?

I communicate with my wife and let her know, and she appreciates it.

I’m wondering if we clear the air and I get answers to the past that I’ve been wondering for years if that will help me with it?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. It’s not affecting our marriage in a severe way, but it does put a damper on the moment when I’m experiencing these PTSD episodes and feel anxious.

Answer

Your anxiety makes sense. You’ve experienced several unfortunate surprises that have required you to recalibrate your reality. Not only has your actual life been threatened, but also, life as you understood it was threatened when you returned home. It’s only natural that you would feel uncertain and emotionally off balance at times.

Your traumatic experiences (and all traumatic experiences, for that matter) all have one thing in common: loss of control. The reason something becomes traumatic is because that experience overwhelms our ability to cope. It’s unexpected, it’s unmanageable and it’s threatening to our personal security. Also, our bodies do not easily forget these experiences. We have a natural monitoring system built into our physiology that prevents us from easily erasing those traumatic experiences. Because our emotions get overloaded, our body takes over to protect us by scanning for anything that remotely resembles the conditions of those traumatic experiences. Like a smoke detector, it sounds the alarm at the first sign of danger. It’s sudden, dramatic and disorienting.

Ordinary daily experiences that contain even small moments of powerlessness can trigger trauma. For example, something simple like losing your keys can trigger a response because you feel out of control, just like when the trauma happened. You could be having a perfectly picturesque family moment with your wife and family and suddenly get triggered into believing that she doesn’t love you anymore and will leave you. You’re not crazy when this happens. It’s just that the trauma became activated and wants to protect you from further danger.

When this happens, it’s critical that you learn to breathe, slow down whatever you’re doing, and then talk about it with someone. This isn’t a time to be a hero and muscle through it. Your willingness to open up about it allows you to sort out what is truth and what is trauma. A compassionate and supportive response from someone else really matters in moments like this.

It’s trickier to open up to your wife about it since it involves her past behaviors. However, it sounds like she’s handling it well. As you continue to turn to her and get support, it will help you sort out truth from an automatic trauma response. If you need more help talking to your wife, a skilled couples therapist can help you both respond in healthy ways during these unexpected moments.

You asked a question about her disclosing the details of her past behaviors. If this was something recent that had just happened and you were deciding whether you could trust her, then a full disclosure would make sense. However, because she’s demonstrated trustworthy behavior and stayed accountable for her mistakes through the years, I don’t think it’s necessary for your wife to go through the details of her past relationships.

Going through her past behaviors with previous boyfriends won’t answer your most pressing questions. You need to know that she understands how devastating her behaviors were to you. If you haven’t felt from her that she truly gets how this affected you, then work closely with a competent counselor who can help you repair these wounds of betrayal.

Additionally, if the triggers persist, then you can still do more by working with a licensed therapist trained in one of the many evidence-based trauma treatments (such as EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, LifeSpan Integration, etc.). This will help your body learn that it doesn’t have to protect you from these dangers any longer.

As you work to slow down your body, open up about your experiences and seek ways to decrease the impact these triggers have on your emotions and body, you will experience more peace. Trauma is treatable and symptoms can improve. It doesn’t have to turn into a punishing life sentence.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are his own and may not be representative of St. George News.

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