Relationship Connection: How can I control my thoughts during sexual intimacy with my husband?

March 13, 2018 Utah Channel 3

Question

I used to struggle with an addiction to pornography that came about during a period of clinical depression.

While I overcame this addiction and married a wonderful man, I am still haunted, years later, by images and dark sexual fantasies when I am intimate with my husband. At times, it seems I cannot be intimate with him without relying on these thoughts. It didn’t help that a couple of therapists were quick to dismiss my feelings of guilt for these addictions and claim that these behaviors are normal and healthy.

I have learned to control my actions, but I am at a loss for how to control my thoughts, especially when my husband and I enjoy and need marital intimacy. I’ve fought these thoughts for years, and it’s a war that feels hopeless. What can I do to start winning, to defeat these thoughts and be free to love my husband without these after-images plaguing me?

Answer

It must be so frustrating to have these unwanted images continue to haunt your most private and intimate moments in your marriage. Please know that this doesn’t have to be a life sentence for you. Thankfully, there are things you can do to help heal the effects of the pornography and draw closer to your husband.

It’s important to note that healing the effects of pornography doesn’t mean that you won’t ever encounter an errant thought or feeling from your past. Experiencing unwanted thoughts is one of the difficult realities of healing. Just because you have unwanted thoughts pop up on occasion doesn’t mean that you’re not healing. Knowing how to respond to them makes all the difference.

I will share two resources that can help you respond to these distressing images and feelings that surface.

The first resource is the concept of acceptance. This doesn’t mean you agree with what’s happening to you but, instead, that you gently acknowledge that an unwanted thought showed up in your mind. It doesn’t mean you allow it to linger. It means that you don’t get reactive when it shows up so you can eventually dismiss it. Sometimes our response to the thought does more damage to our peace than the actual thought.

You can respond gently to the unwanted thoughts when they show up instead of trying to force them out of your mind in a frenzied way. Battling thoughts directly, as you know, is a losing battle. Our mind is programmed to prioritize threats, so if you have a random thought and then identify it as an unwanted threat, this alerts your mind to focus on it more so it doesn’t harm you. That’s a problem, obviously, because you’re trying to eliminate it. It’s the same idea as not wanting to let a threatening person out of your sight until you know you’re safe. The challenge, however, is that there’s no place you can go to escape your own thoughts.

Instead of trying to push the unwanted thought away, I recommend using a technique called “Surfing the Urge” that is commonly used to help deal with addictive cravings. It’s a mindfulness exercise you can practice the moment the unwanted thought shows up. Read more about it here or listen to an audio recording of it here.

The other thing you can do is open up to your husband about the triggers when they surface during intimacy. You may feel this would spoil the mood or you may feel ashamed for even having these thoughts in the first place. However, the goal of sexual intimacy is to deepen your connection with each other. If you’re stuck in your head trying to fight a battle all by yourself, this will isolate you from your husband.

It can be helpful to take time prior to your next sexual experience to talk with him about this struggle so you can both decide what to do when these thoughts surface. You might decide that when the thoughts show up, you’ll pause during sexual intimacy and hold each other close while you allow yourself to accept the trigger and gently redirect your attention back to the present moment. Knowing that he can stay with you and allow you to take as much time as you need to return to the present moment will allow you to respond in a healthier way to these triggers.

You can reassure your husband that these thoughts have nothing to do with him or his adequacy as your lover. As you turn to him for support, you can be stronger together. Please note that I’m only suggesting this because you’re not active in your addiction. If you were, I wouldn’t suggest that you take this approach. This only works because there is stability and safety for both you and your husband in the marriage.

Continue practicing mindful responses to your triggers and allow your husband to comfort and support you. Then, you will see that these triggers don’t overwhelm and distract you from the beauty of marital intimacy.

Stay connected!

Geoff Steurer is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in St. George, Utah. He specializes in working with couples in all stages of their relationships. The opinions stated in this article are his own and may not be representative of St. George News.

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